Next to Godliness
by vanilladietcoke
Summary: What happens when Lucius has to -shock horror!- do his own housework! Mishaps aplenty plus a slight Absinthe obession. chapter seven- a slightly interludal (but relevant nonetheless) chapter is here!
1. The Sentencing

This is loosely based on a random idea that occurred to me while cleaning my room, it's not really in canon with anything but it's just for fun! Okay! I don't own anything except for the plot (or lack of as the case may be). Don't sue me please! JK Rowling owns characters etc and I stole a tiny bit from an Anthony Horowitz story, though not so's you'd notice. Oh and Tesco is an English supermarket and certainly not mine either. Enjoy and review please!!!  
  
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Thursday 1st August, 1991  
  
"Lucius Amadeus Malfoy, you have been found guilty by trial, of subjecting a house-elf to unnecessary strain and unreasonable commands."  
  
"Therefore you are sentenced to one month with no magical powers, nor assistance with your chores. I only hope this serves as a suitable punishment and that you'll learn from what I'm sure will be the worst month of your life. You will return on Saturday 31st of this month to review the case. The people rise."  
  
Cornelius Fudge left the courtroom, leaving Lucius open-mouthed.  
  
"One- one whole month? What the hell am I going to do?" He finally roared, as only a Malfoy can.  
  
Draco quickly turned his laugh into a fake sob. Then smirked. This was going to be fun.  
  
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Monday 5th August  
  
"Do hold still, dear. How do you expect me to help you if you won't stop fidgeting?"  
  
After three days of flat-out refusal to do anything, Lucius' tidy side had started to eat away at him and had finally devoured any composure there may once have been. His third injury of the day had occurred when he had tried to light the toaster with a match. It exploded.  
  
Lucius, being a Malfoy and therefore full of pride, had refused to acknowledge what had happened and simply sat down and read the newspaper. "Father, I like the whole "G.I. Joe" look and I'm sure it's really in this season, but I don't think mother'll approve of you bleeding over her rug." Draco pointed out with the trademark sneer. Lucius glanced down at his chest. "Yes I suppose I should really get cleaned up." "And may I suggest a tetanus shot?" Draco had taken Muggle Studies for a term after being kicked out of Care of Magical Creatures. He had only had time to learn a few things though, as Mrs Belgrave removed him after he tipped catnip over her "to see what would happen". She was unimpressed when Mrs Norris thought she was an attractive tom cat and tried to breed with her leg for the next fortnight.  
  
"Er.yes, of course" Lucius declared with a haughty air. Though he had no idea what a tetanus *was*, it surely couldn't be too difficult to find one, could it? "I'll go and pick one up right now." "Let me come with you father", Draco offered, "There must be a Tesco's around here somewhere." Lucius quickly wiped the confused look from his face and replaced it with his resident disdainful one. "Tesco's?. Oh erm, yes. Obviously. Glad I thought of it." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------- Tuesday 6th August  
  
"Well. Who would've known that the nearest Tesco's was eighty miles away, eh dad?" Draco had regained his cheerful composure (held ever since his father's sentencing) despite the frostbite. They had finally reached Tesco's.  
  
"Of course, living in Wiltshire I suppose it was rather obvious." Draco pointed out.  
  
Lucius, who was not in the mood for jolity, simply grunted and tried to wiggle his toes against the frost which had built up in his shoes.  
  
Draco, with a wave of his wand, cured his own frostbite and laryngitis, but refused to do the same for Lucius. "I'm sorry, but you know I'm not allowed to. You just concentrate on not falling over, right?"  
  
Lucius gave a sniff of self-pity.  
  
Yay! One chapter! Well, what did you think? In the next one! Lucius finds himself a tetanus! More injuries! More smug Draco!  
  
Review review review review review. Thank you and goodnight. (review) 


	2. Who knew Tesco's could be so much fun!

Thanks for the reviews! They really inspired me to carry on with this chapter, so thanks and keep letting me know what you think- good or bad. X Disclaimer- tescos, characters, anthony horowitz. Not mine (sadly). Don't forget to review at the end! ------------------------------------------------------------ Chapter Two- Who knew Tesco's could be so much fun?  
  
Tuesday 6th August.. later. Much later.  
  
"Lay-tex con-dome... hmm these look interesting", Lucius bellowed, attracting the attention of just about everyone within a 25-foot radius.  
  
"I don't know what they are, but they certainly look fun", Draco admitted. "Ooooh look!" He squealed, "they come in different flavours! Strawberry, chocolate, banana.Merlin! They don't appear to have Butterbeer."  
  
As he stalked off to ask an assistant, Lucius continued to fascinate himself with the contents of Tesco's shelves. However, his patience soon wore thin when, after an hour, he still had not found a tetanus, and Draco was nowhere to be found. The latter was soon solved.  
  
"Erm, hi dad. Well I found out what those things were, anyway." Draco had reappeared, smoking a cigarette and buttoning up his shirt. A gorgeous young shelf-stacker walked by, smoothing her rumpled hair. Draco winked and blew her a kiss.  
  
"This is not the time for excursions, Draco!", Lucius shouted. "If someone doesn't give me a tetanus right now, I might just explode."  
  
Draco, by now fed up with his father's antics and pissed off that he hadn't gotten that girl's number, decided he actually didn't care whether his father developed gangrene and died. He looked around. Stationary, no hope of finding any medical stuff there.unless.  
  
Twenty seconds later and Lucius was standing with a grin on his face. "And you're sure this is a tetanus, Draco? "Oh yes father, the best they had." Draco replied. As if butter wouldn't melt. "Wow, it's amazing what these Muggles can do. To look at it, you'd think that it was just a sticky label with the word Tetanus written on it. Simply amazing!"  
  
Draco sighed and left his father to 'administer' the Tetanus. That is, to stick the label on his left hand. He despaired at the sheer ignorance of his father, although to be fair Lucius didn't know any better. It's a sad truth, but wizarding nobility know hardly anything about mod cons. Ask a pureblood wizard what a 'double click' is, and he'd probably say it was the way of summoning a house elf.  
  
Draco had, by now, lost all patience with Lucius, and so simply disapparated, leaving his father disorientated and rather pissed off. But he got home comparatively shortly. Well, four hours is short compared to eight.  
  
Upon entering the Malfoy Manor, Lucius was in an extremely bad mood. Infact it was such a bad mood that while cooking dinner he beat the eggs, battered the fish and whipped the cream. Using only his bare hands.  
  
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Meanwhile, in a land far, far away..  
  
"Muahahahahaha... I'm evil." "You certainly are evil, my lord. If there was ever a prize for being the most evil, you'd win!" "Muahahaha..."  
  
Lord Voldemort sat, discussing his evil-ness with Pettigrew.  
  
"So erm.. Peter, on a scale of one to ten?" "Fifty-nine, my lord!"  
  
A/N: enough of the evil-ness already. Get to the point  
  
"Pettigrew, do me a favour. I fear it has been a long while since we last paid Lucius Malfoy a visit. Take a note."  
  
"Lucius, my humble slave. Pettigrew and I are dropping in for dinner. You shall prepare it to our likings, or else feel the wrath of the dark lord!  
  
Ps. I quite fancy pie" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
In the next chapter! Lord Voldie drops in for dinner... Watch the mayhem as Lucius trips over his own arse attempting to prepare it. What will happen? Will he feel the wrath of the Dark Lord? Will his pie be overcooked? Will Draco get through a single chapter without a shag? Review and you will find out! Review review review review.thanks! xxx 


	3. The Dark Lord pops in for tea

Hey hey! Thanks for the reviews, feel free to carry on doing so. Actually PLEASE do- you have no idea how much it makes my day to read a nice review! I've gotta go pick up my GCSE results in 2 hours...bites nails..devours nails moves onto hands..arms.... you get the idea =D  
  
Disclaimer: The characters belong to JKR, the word centrillion may or may not belong to me, and I do happen to own a bottle of Absinthe so try suing me for THAT one! Hahaha. *Coughs*  
  
Anyway! On with the chapter. Review at the end please! -----------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter Three-  
  
The Dark Lord drops in for Tea  
  
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Wednesday 7th August  
  
Lucius gave a sneaky look in all directions, and surreptitiously reached for his wand. He grabbed it, and began to cast all sorts of spells. How happy he was to have his wand back! He travelled by floo powder to Knockturn Alley to tell all his evil friends about it. Although he must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because he ended up running from someone. And why wasn't he wearing any clothes.?  
  
"Oh.....ssshhhhhiiiiittt!!"  
  
A wail rang from the Malfoy Manor as Lucius realised:  
  
That he had been dreaming  
  
That Lord Voldemort was coming for tea  
  
That he was standing next to his bed right now  
  
1.37pm, Wednesday 7th August  
  
Many minutes later, Lord Voldemort and Pettigrew emerged with Lucius, from his bedroom. Draco, who happened to be walking past at the time simply raised one eyebrow coquettishly, before whispering in his father's ear, "Well done dad, you finally got a shag, eh?"  
  
Lucius, not one for losing his temper in front of Dark Lords, decided to count to ten to keep his patience.  
  
2.13pm  
  
Thirty-three centrillion, eight hundred billion.  
  
Counting didn't work obviously, when you had a son like Draco.  
  
Lucius smiled gracefully at Voldemort and carried on walking, ruing the day he drank a bottle of Absinthe and slept with Narcissa, mistaking her for his cousin.  
  
2.30pm  
  
Voldemort and Peter were sat in Lucius' lounge, while he literally turned the kitchen upside-down looking for food.  
  
"What's in a pie? All these years Narcissa and the Elves have been making them and I never even took the trouble to look! Damn me!"  
  
"Father, they serve us pies all the time at Hogwarts, maybe I could help you make one?" Draco offered, helpful as always.  
  
Lucius sighed, thinking he really didn't have much choice. On the other hand, his therapist*** had suggested that he and Draco do some male bonding. At the time he had in mind some innocent-Muggle killing, but this would have to do.  
  
(A/N *** Wonders: Do Dark Wizards have therapists?)  
  
"Well. Let's start with the bottom" Lucius said proudly, as if he had just cracked the Enigma code. "I remember it being dark and tasty"  
  
Draco smirked to himself. "Unfortunately Harry Potter's in Cyprus at this time of year".  
  
Lucius started humming and pretended he hadn't heard that.  
  
"This is brown!" He exclaimed, waving a chocolate bar under Draco's nose. "We shall put that in. Now to find something tasty. Apart from me, I mean."  
  
Meanwhile in the lounge.  
  
"I'm feeling particularly evil today, Pettigrew. I do hope that Lucius' pie will be up to scratch, as I've never quite forgiven him for sleeping with my first, second and third wives.All at the same time. And I would love an excuse to get my own back. I was thinking something along the lines of filling his trousers with cold custard! Hehehehehehe."  
  
"My lord, with all due respect, that isn't very evil" Peter interjected  
  
"I hadn't finished! And then erm. putting some bees down there too. And Pansy Parkinson."  
  
Peter smiled at him, muttering to himself  
  
"I swear he's losing his touch".  
  
3.45pm  
  
Draco and Lucius emerged from the kitchen, looking ever-so-pleased with themselves, and holding what they imagined to be the finest pie ever known to man (or whatever the hell Voldemort was).  
  
"Sit down please, my Lord" Lucius said, walking to the table and holding Voldmort's chair out for him.  
  
"I must say Lucius, I am rather proud of you, I heard about your magic being taken away and I think you've done splendidly to prepare such an occasion for me" Voldemort said graciously.  
  
"You haven't tasted the pie yet" Draco muttered  
  
"Which wine goes with pie?" Lucius interjected loudly, pretending not to hear Draco. "Well I'd say that Moët goes with everything, but we don't seem to have any. Erm.We have Malibu!" He said, clearly pleased with himself.  
  
"Do tuck in, please" Draco declared with a smirk.  
  
And so Lord Voldemort and Pettigrew sat down to a meal of Malibu and chocolate, marmite, water, cream-cracker and tuna pie. Lucius and Draco sat down to a liquid lunch of Malibu, although Lucius had managed to sneak some Absinthe into his.  
  
The Malfoy men held their breath as Voldemort took his first mouthful of pie. And burst into tears.  
  
"How could you know? This is the pie mummy used to make! Oh wow, it's like being a child again!"  
  
Apparently Dark Lords are formed when mothers have crap culinary skills.  
  
10.50pm  
  
And so, after Malibu and nostalgic talks around the fire (and that orgy), Voldemort and Peter left Lucius' home with talks of relinquishing evil, never killing another living thing and donating all his money to a cat's home.  
  
10.52pm  
  
This plan fell through when Voldemort saw a bunny rabbit on the way home and couldn't help himself.  
  
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Yay another chapter! Hope you liked that. In the next chapter- Lucius tries to set the video! More accidents with household appliances! More visits from your favourite characters!  
  
Review and tell me what you thought of this chapter, as well as any suggestions for future chapters or questions etc. Thankily Dankily!  
  
xxx review review review! Hehe 


	4. Lucius the Domestic Goddess

Hello hooray. it's time for another fun and frolick-packed chapter, packed full of fun and er- well- frolicks. Nothing more to put here, so review at the end and give me some suggestions on what trials and tribulations you would like to see Lucius put through.  
  
I am a little (more) hyper after getting my GCSE results =D No carpet- fitting for me! I also saw the Queen Musical last night, "We Will Rock You". I love Queen more than ever. Anyone out there a Queen fan? Or David Bowie? Or T-Rex? Or Any glam/old rock whatsoever?  
  
*holds up big sign: please be Lou's friend*  
  
JKR owns the characters and Top of the Pops belongs to the BBC.not that I'd ever want it anyway. Pimms-o-clock is from an advertising campaign for the wonderful drink Pimms. Which admittedly, though I have consumed much of, I do not qualify as owning. But I am young and my liver is as yet unblistered. So we have time!  
  
And now on with the show!  
  
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Chapter Four:  
  
Lucius the Domestic Goddess  
  
Wednesday 14th August  
  
A week passed since the Voldemort incident, during which time Lucius had managed to obtain one injury. On Thursday night Draco had taken a telephone call from a friend of Lucius', inviting him to a toga party. Unfortunately, Draco's handwriting was less than legible and so after attending the party dressed as a goat, Lucius was ravaged by a frisky sheep on the way home.  
  
Draco had done his best to apologise, but Malfoys aren't good at apologising either and so comments such as "at least you're not dead", and "you've still got that Malfoy charm, dad", only served to make Lucius more annoyed.  
  
When he finally emerged, one week later, Lucius was greeted with a note stuck to the fridge.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Lucius. I am fed up. During the last two weeks you have either been absent or a complete waste of space, so I have gone to Lanzarote with some friends. While I'm gone I hope you'll be okay with the cooking and cleaning and general survival. Here is a list of things I expect done before I get back:  
  
Wash the clothes I have left out on my bed Set the video to record Top of the Pops on Friday Try and get into work at least once Sort out the drink cabinet Get some groceries Get the cat neutered  
  
Kisses  
  
Narcissa  
  
Ps. I've just remembered the Parkinsons are coming for dinner tonight. I don't know what you intend to cook but make sure it's Coq Au Vin. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Lucius gaped at the letter. He'd always thought that Coq Au Vin was love in a lorry. . .  
  
**************************************************************************** ************ 11.15am  
  
"...And so I'm terribly sorry Elaine. . . Yes. Yes I know. Well we all thought Syphilis was extinct too. Yes. Yes it is terrible. One in a million chance, I know. Thank you. Yes. Yes I will. Okay. Yes Draco and Narcissa hope I don't die as well."  
  
"Don't bet on it" Draco muttered.  
  
"Goodbye Elaine". Lucius put down the phone, his tragic expression having quickly transformed into a grin.  
  
"Well. I suppose I'd better get started on that list your mother left. Really though, why she couldn't have had the house elves do them I can't work out."  
  
Draco gave a trademark sneer and answered.  
  
"Father. How can I say this. You are happily married. Unfortunately your wife is not. You have to realise that very probably, mother does not like you. She's just making the most of having you incapable of magic, the same as I am. It makes very good entertainment."  
  
Lucius shot him a look and stalked off to start the chores. It was nice to have a son that reminded him of a 16-year-old version of himself, with the same stuck-up manner and posh voice. But it was at times like these that he was grateful he had such a large Manor so he could get the hell away from him. In the nicest way possible, of course.  
  
"Well", said Lucius to himself, "I suppose I should really work my way down the list."  
  
However, after spotting 'Drink Cabinet' halfway down the list, all plans of systematic and methodical work went down the drain.  
  
"Come on Draco, time for alcohol"  
  
He didn't have to be asked twice.  
  
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2.13pm "Hey Draky. Draky Draky Draky boy. You've always been my favourite son, yanno"  
  
"Daddy! I'm your only son"  
  
"Well.I'm not so sure about that, I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. And then I was born. Anyway I digress. What was I saying? I make it Pimms-o-clock."  
  
Three hours of cabinet-sorting had left Lucius and Draco dancing around the lounge, happy as pigs in clover. Upon looking through the extensively- stocked cupboard (and sampling some along the way, naturally), it had been decided that actually nothing had to be thrown away. To Draco's dismay, each and every bottle of liqueur or vintage wine had a story behind it.  
  
"And this. . . this one is special, my boy. Your Great Uncle, Albertus Dracillis Malfoy, was given this bottle of Chablis in 1975. He won the award for "most likely to cause the demise of the known world". I remember his acceptance speech well: 'I don't deserve this award. But then, I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either'. Lucius paused, nostalgically reading labels. He picked up an empty bottle.  
  
"Ahhh this one is special to me. What's left of my first ever bottle of Absinthe. It wasn't my last either. You know, they launch rockets on this stuff, but I'd finished it in ten minutes. Seven, I was. "  
  
Draco hiccuped and passed out, landing on the carpet with a 'thunk'. Lucius continued regardless, either not noticing or not caring.  
  
"Of course, this was particularly special after the Great Absinthe Shortage of 1954". Lucius paused for effect, then, not receiving any, decided this would be a splendid time to do some chores.  
  
"I think we'd better get the cat neutered" Lucius mused, prodding Draco with his toe.  
  
"DRACO! Get up, come on we're getting Cornelius neutered. Wouldn't want him becoming a father now, would we? God, now that'd ruin his life."  
  
Draco opened one eye, groaned and performed a spell to sober up:  
  
"Cliffus Richardus Nakedus"  
  
A flash of green light and Draco was standing, traumatised but sober. He had also lost the will to have sex ever again. Cliff Richard naked and sexual thoughts go together like port and. . . something that doesn't go with port.  
  
Cornelius was effectively a soft automaton provided by nature for Lucius to kick when things went wrong. Lucius loved him. He thought back to the time when he had given Cornelius a bath. He loved it and it was fun for Lucius too. The fur would stick to his tongue but other than that. . .  
  
"Come on Draco, time for the vets! I found one in the yellow pages that have a policy, if their neutering doesn't work you get some free Ketamine. It's horse tranquiliser, technically, but it's terrifying and great fun for kids parties."  
  
Draco took a deep breath, closed the door and joined his father for a fantasmalicious journey to the vets. Things were going to get a lot worse before they got worse.  
  
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Another chapter seems to have found its way to your attention. If you have completed it, well done! I loved writing this chapter, this could be because it's the longest yet. More probably it's trashy and awful. You tell me! Review review review please!  
  
I would greatly appreciate any ideas you want to put my way about what Lucius is going to be put through before the end of August 1991 (remember the case comes up for review!) So give me any ideas you'd like to see included and you win a prize. The prize mainly being me.  
  
In the next chapter.!  
  
Cornelius gets the chop!  
  
Lucius talks about Absinthe a little more!  
  
The Ministry checks up on Lucius to see how he's coping!  
  
Lucius will actually set the video in this one! I promise!  
  
Xxx Review review review review xxx 


	5. Top of the Pops is relocated to the Malf...

I'm very excited! Not only have I never reached a fifth chapter in a story before (short attention span), but it's my birthday too! As I write this it's about 12:40am and as there's no-one around I have sung Happy Birthday to myself and opened all my cards. Now I'm just depressed. But story writing! I'm excited again. That's the advantage of being easily impressed. Oooh look! A unicorn!  
  
Anyway, thanks to all who have reviewed, mostly Firess Ifrit Devil (Mean Princess) who has reviewed repeatedly. Reviews give this writing some meaning except just to entertain myself. Also thanks to Rachele Stein for the ideas of how to antagonise Lucius. I already had the idea of Lucius driving as he's got to get to work somehow.but your SARS suggestion makes me think that maybe he should take the train. Cough cough. (ooh contextual pun!)  
  
Anyway, enough of the rambling, and on with the story! Quick disclaimer: Characters all JKR's.except Cornelius the cat. He is very precious to me but unfortunately exists only in my imagination.  
  
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Chapter Five  
  
Top of the Pops is relocated to the Malfoy's living room!  
  
Wednesday 14th August  
  
6.17pm  
  
"Now if you'd like to hold him still, Mr Malfoy."  
  
Lucius winced as Cornelius the cat got the snip. All he could think was 'thank god I'm not Jewish'  
  
(A/N: contextual joke.if you don't get it don't stress. It really isn't that exciting. Just pretend I've told a really funny joke and laugh. Go on. There, isn't that better now?)  
  
"Now that should stop him being so. frisky." The vet assured Lucius.  
  
Draco snorted, "Frisky is not the word. Try 'attempts to mate with anything that stands still long enough'".  
  
And in the age-perfected Malfoy way, Draco spun on his heel, grabbed his father and Cornelius, and stalked out of the vet's surgery. Of course he and Cornelius then disapparated, leaving Lucius to walk home, muttering to himself all the way. Typical, the only vet offering free Ketamine was one 30 miles away.  
  
He was about halfway home when he remembered Narcissa's note, and that he was supposed to set the video to record Top of the Pops. And it was starting in an hour. He stopped walking for a second, as if considering what to do. If he walked quickly he could make it. Carefully, he considered it. And then he started walking again, but slower than before. 'Wedded bliss' is an oxymoron.  
  
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8.13pm (Precisely 43 minutes late for Top of the Pops)  
  
Upon entering his home, Lucius was greeted by Draco. And around 30 of his friends.  
  
"Hey dad, how's it going?" Draco yelled above the sound of "Bohemian Rhapsody".  
  
"Who the hell are these people?" Lucius yelled, even louder  
  
-Bismillah- No- we will not let you go- let me go- bismillah-  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
-oh mamma-mia mamma mia- mamma mia let me go-  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Lucius could see Blaise and Pansy pretending to play guitars and miming to the lyrics. Bizarre though they were.  
  
-For mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-  
  
The whole room started headbanging. Lucius lost the will to live. Then he was given an idea.  
  
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Four minutes later the song had finally finished. Lucius stood, armed with his video camera. Someone had put another song on. And as Blaise and Pansy began to mime and generally piss around again, Lucius pressed "record" on the camera.  
  
-For the benefit of Mr Kite, there will be a show tonight-  
  
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"You can't be serious, father" Draco was giving his trademark smirk  
  
"Your mother will never know the difference. Well, I mean what's Top of the Pops? People singing and other people enjoying themselves, right? Well I'm pretty confident that she'll fall for it."  
  
"Blaise and Pansy are quite clearly not on Top of the Pops though. Infact, you can quite clearly see all our stuff in the background. What the hell are we going to tell her, the BBC moved Top of the Pops to our living room?!"  
  
After two weeks of torture, Draco really was losing all patience with his father. But he realised that it was the best he could do. And also that he was small and could fit into many hiding places should the need arise.  
  
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Friday 16th August  
  
The TOTP incident was soon brushed aside, waiting to be unearthed upon Narcissa's return. Until then, Lucius would be busy completing the other items on her 'to-do' list. The next thing he fancied doing was "going into work". But he couldn't use magic. So what to do?  
  
"Just take the train dad"  
  
Draco had become uncannily good at mind-reading at Hogwarts, and nowadays he never missed an opportunity to scare the hell out of his dad with this skill.  
  
"Argh!" Lucius jumped about a foot in the air. "Don't bloody do that. But since you mention it, I was thinking about taking the train."  
  
Draco gave a little cough that sounded strangely like "Wanker".  
  
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Saturday 17th August  
  
It was quite unfortunate, for both Lucius and the other passengers, that he happened to have a cough on this particular day.  
  
Lucius had only just about managed to purchase a ticket, after forgetting where the Ministry was located. The London Underground staff were highly suspicious and called the police. It took Lucius ten minutes and many tears to convince them that he was suffering from Alzheimer's.  
  
But the problems were only just beginning. After coughing repeatedly, and then in non-stop fits, some terrified passengers on the train alerted the police and reported that Lucius had SARS.  
  
"Great". Thought Lucius, sitting somewhat uncomfortably in the back seat of a police car.  
  
"On the other hand, though, this policeman sitting next to me is rather dishy. He can arrest me any time."  
  
And with that, Lucius was driven to the station for questioning.  
  
Draco, watching all this through a magickal mirror, gave a little squeak of delight. Finally, he had gotten rid of his father. He opened his little black book, lifted the telephone and began to dial the number belonging to one "Harry Potter", with a wickedly seductive look on his pale, elfish face.  
  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-  
  
Oooh! What's going to happen next? Sorry, but as a loyal fan of H/D I'm going to have to include a little sauciness.  
  
What will Draco and Harry get up to?  
  
Will Lucius be able to worm his way out of this one?  
  
Will Narcissa really believe Lucius' makeshift TOTP?  
  
What will happen when Lucius gets some Ronseal which "does exactly what it says on the tin" except Draco's taken the label off..?  
  
Various little plots are hatching in my mind but I want you to review and tell me what you thought of this chapter, as well as any ideas you want to share with me. Apart from that, thanks for reading and come back next time! (and review!) xxx 


	6. Draco goes Bowie

Apologises profusely:  
  
SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY! for not updating until now...i know i was doing it once a day but i've been on various expeditions this week and too tired to walk, let alone write.  
  
Hope this will make up for it- an extra long chapter!! (woo)  
  
In the meantime, thanks to my reviewers:  
  
Jvoldieme  
  
Hero4Hire  
  
Firess Ifrit Devil  
  
Sharky  
  
Anna  
  
Rachele Stein- thanks for your previous suggestions. I'm making a slight alteration to one (public toilet) but the theme's there!  
  
Princess of Mirrors  
  
Moongoddess25  
  
... a random anonymous person...  
  
Sebastienne- you're in luck! It's h/d time.and If you're lucky Draco may take on the appearance of Ziggy Stardust and/or Aladdin Sane very very soon! Keep watching!  
  
Thank you ALL so much for encouraging me and making the story so rewarding!  
  
And now for YOUR reward......chapter six!!!  
  
(ps. upon re-reading the last chapter i thought it somewhat trashy, so this one should be a lot better and erm... coherent)  
  
Disclaimer: all characters belong to JKR (except Sasha. And the parole officer- Let's call him Julian.) Goodbye Lenin is a fantastic film from which I only sliiightly stole the plot o_O Dead Famous is by Ben Elton and I borrowed the name of something from there. And erm I'm sure Mill Hill is quite nice but to me it just ah. doesn't.sound.very...nice. yes, that'll do for now. Review review review! (yes Sebastienne discreet and subtle as usual!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------ Chapter Six- Draco Bowie  
  
Tuesday 20th August, 1991  
  
10:51 am  
  
He'd done it. Lucius had finally been freed from custody. But it had taken him three days, three thousand pounds and a few minutes alone with the parole officer. Although, as Draco had (so kindly) pointed out, it was probably the latter that did it.  
  
So. Certified SARS-free and with a teenage son to piss off, Lucius was in a decidedly better mood than a few days ago. Unfortunately, Draco was more pissed off than he had ever been. Searching through his wardrobe he bitched about lack of Harry-seeing opportunity.  
  
"Fuck's sake. I finally get him to agree to a date and Dad doesn't get locked up. Just m- oooh! My PVC catsuit! I forgot about this!"  
  
As Draco squealed in delight, a thought came to him.  
  
His father would have to get home the muggle way, right? So what if Lucius thought he was coming the right way, but in actual fact he was redirected to...oh I don't know, say, deepest darkest Mill Hill!  
  
"Muahahaha. achk"  
  
Draco's evil cackling was cut short by his choking at what he saw in the mirror. A load moan resounded throughout the halls of the Malfoy Manor.  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....."  
  
"Not a spot! No! shit shit shit shit shit. Draco Malfoy does NOT get spots! And on my wand-cleaning day as well!"  
  
(A/N: In all probability wizards don't have these. But as you'll find out it's essential to the plot. So let's pretend they do!)  
  
Draco fumed for a while.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
11:53am  
  
Draco was still fuming. But he was at least putting it to good use. And making some calls to his "contacts". He thanked god for his promiscuity and for the opportunities Pansy's parties had given him to sleep with some people in high-up places. Plus they were cute.  
  
"Esmerelda?. it's Draco.er, we met at Pansy Parkinson's New Year's Party last year, remember?.no?.well erm I was the evil and dark wizard.yes! How ARE you these days?... Well I need to ask a slight favour. Tell me, are you still in charge of Wiltshire landscaping?"  
  
It took a few calls like these, for Draco to arrange with his 'acquaintances' (once they remembered who he was) for the whole of South England to be re-designed. Only temporarily, of course. It would be fantastic, if only he could pull it off.  
  
And in the meantime, thought Draco, he would be able to do whatever he wanted with Harry. Draco checked his watch and then continued to apply gold- glitter face paint.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - -  
  
Meanwhile, in deepest darkest North London.  
  
Lucius was very very very lost. Having just stepped through a door he was expecting to lead to his home, he found it actually led to Clapham Common.  
  
(A/N: I should probably mention here for all overseas people, that Clapham Common is infamous for gay men meeting and cruising. Watch the fun.)  
  
He sighed and sat on a nearby bench. If only he'd actually been nice to that bloody house elf, he'd be using magic and not stuck in this forest. 'Oh well', he thought to himself, 'at least the people here were friendly.'  
  
"He-lo! You are such a cutie, aren't you?"  
  
Lucius looked around, and then realised the camp ladyboy in front of him, was, infact talking to him.  
  
"Oh, naughty me! I am so RUDE!" the androgynous figure slapped himself comically on the wrist and extended a hand with perfectly painted Barbie- pink nails.  
  
"I'm Sasha. And what's your name gorgeous?"  
  
For the first time in his life, Lucius was at a loss. He was terrified of what this character might want from him. And then, upon closer reflection, he decided Sasha WAS rather cute. So the messed-up journey wasn't a total flop. (Wink wink nudge nudge if you get my drift. Sorry.)  
  
"I'm Lucius. Your place or mine sweetie?"  
  
And erm.well let's just say that I don't want the rating of this fic to have to go up, so there we shall leave Lucius and Sasha erm. """enjoying themselves""" (heavily quoted)  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
9.45 pm  
  
Draco gave Harry a drop-dead-gorgeous smile as he let him into the Malfoy Manor. And Harry nearly dropped dead when he saw what Draco was wearing.  
  
"ALADDIN SANE?"  
  
Draco blushed profusely. "Well." He stuttered, "I, you know, thought that it might be c-"  
  
"I LOVE DAVID BOWIE!" Harry exclaimed, cutting Draco off from his mumbled excuse. "How did you find out?"  
  
Draco just gave another grin. He was one lucky git and he knew it. He had attempted to cover up his spot by applying white face paint, then thought 'sod it' and gone the whole hog, with a pink and gold lightning bolt painted across his face and the white PVC catsuit, platform boots, the whole caboodle. Bowie himself would have been proud.  
  
He led Harry into the dimly-lit dining area, where candles were lit, wine was waiting, and "Wild is the wind" was sultrily playing on the stereo. How could Harry not melt?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
10:15 Some bushes in Clapham Common. (ooh classy)  
  
"Oh Sasha!"  
  
"Oh Lucius!"  
  
"Oh Sasha!"  
  
"Oh Lucius!"  
  
"Oh Sasha!"  
  
"Oh Adam!.shit"  
  
(A/N: They're still not finished?! Taps fingers impatiently)  
  
"Lucius, let's go somewhere else. How about your place?"  
  
"Okay, let's go"  
  
And, joined by Sasha, Lucius did something he really should have done the first time round. Got the bus.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
11:52pm Back at the Malfoy Manor.  
  
(Many bottles of wine later)  
  
"And how fantastic was he when he duetted with Freddie Mercury?"  
  
"Oh, 'Under Pressure'? Yeah, I nearly died! It was so fantastic"  
  
Harry and Draco had found that a love for Glam Rock had brought them together. In the space of an hour they had gone from complete strangers to quite amorous. But Bowie'll do that for ya.  
  
They had moved from the table to the black leather sofa, both quite drunk, and both assessing how gorgeous the other one looked. Harry had always had a secret crush on David Bowie, and had hoped that maybe he was more towards the gay side of his bisexual-ness. Now he thought that Draco looked even better than the real thing, while Draco couldn't stop thinking how good Harry's arms looked in his tight black turtle-neck, and how nice his arse was in those black chinos. Not that he'd been looking or anything.  
  
"Harry."  
  
"Draco."  
  
They both spoke at once.  
  
"Go ahead Draco, it wasn't important."  
  
"No no, you're the guest, I insist" Draco erm. insisted.  
  
Harry blushed shyly, "Well I just wanted to thank you for inviting me over here tonight. I mean, it's been great to find someone who shares my taste."  
  
Draco found himself blushing as he imagined sharing Harry's taste.  
  
".in music."  
  
"That's fine Harry, really the pleasure has been all mine."  
  
More blushing. WHY did he have to say 'pleasure'?  
  
"Anyway, Draco, it's getting late, I'd better be going now."  
  
"You don't have to go, you know. I mean, there's loads of room here. I could make up a spare bed for you, it's no trouble really."  
  
"I'd rather share your bed" whispered Harry seductively as his lips brushed Draco's.  
  
Draco felt his face glowing with pleasure as they shared an urgent, passionate kiss. Harry's hands started undoing his catsuit, and as his fingers entwined Harry's hair, he felt the glow spread rather lower than his face.  
  
Draco took Harry's hand and, undressing him with his eyes, led him out of the room, up the stairs and along the corridor. They were headed to the most elusive room in England. Copulation Cabin.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
11:56  
  
Lucius unlocked the front door of the Malfoy Manor, had a quick check to see if Draco was around and led Sasha into the entrance hall.  
  
"Ooh, gorgeous AND rich! Sasha you clever boy, you HAVE done well tonight! So what now, we gonna do it on the rug?"  
  
"No Sasha, Lucius replied. We're going to-"  
  
"Not Copulation Cabin??" Sasha broke in  
  
"Yes. That's exactly where we're going"  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ********** **************** *************  
************* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
OOOOOOOOOH cliffhanger! I do love a good cliffhanger, yanno.  
  
So how was that then? Hopefully it was a little more plot, a little less random humour, that's me trying to prove I'm not just a one-trick pony.  
  
Find out next time what happens when both Malfoy men take their lovers to the same room!!!  
  
A fight?  
  
A competition?  
  
An orgy???  
  
You'll just have to wait and see...and review of course. xxx ttfn  
  
Ps. Tell me what you want to happen- after all this is written more for you than for me. I can't deny I'm having a darn good time writing it though! 


	7. Velvet Goldmine Malfoy orgy

Hey hey!  
  
To be really honest I haven't much time at the moment, what with preparing to return to school, working and general teenage angst. Therefore this chapter will (mostly) take the form of an altered songfic.the song we all know and love as Velvet Goldmine. My current favourite Bowie song.it seems to fit so well! See the original lyrics I've added at the end to compare just how convenient this song is for my purpose! Don't worry, this chapter does still tell the story and so isn't totally random! I promise I will get back on and write a real chapter as soon as I can. I just thought it'd be easier on all of us if I could do something a little quicker, but you still got an update, and a little interludal thing to break the flow a little! And everyone loves Malfoy singing!!! Hurrah!  
  
Thanks to all my reviewers, including the most recent ones:  
  
Gatty- No! not the melon! Anything but the melon! And since you ask so nicely, here is more story  
  
Firess Ifrit Devil- Happy erm.belated birthday! Thanks for reviewing again- hope this pleases you. I can empathise with the hyperactivity- what else could make me write this?!  
  
Sebastienne- Sorry about the mess.but you can't deny it was worth it to hear of Draco as Aladdin Sane.ah dreamy. You have your desire! One big orgy it is!  
  
Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR (except Sasha- he/she's mine!) Velvet Goldmine is by David Bowie, amongst others probably. I don't own in (despite how much I would give to do so)  
  
And so let's waste no more time, here is the Malfoy Orgy!  
  
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --  
  
Draco flung open the door to the Copulation Cabin, and slowly led Harry through the door, before pushing him onto the bed with a wry smile. The sexy Slytherin sighed. Everything was going perfectly...  
  
...Until he realised Harry had landed on someone. Namely his dad. And whatever the hell he was currently shagging, thought Draco.  
  
"Oww, what the hell are you doing?" Lucius cried out  
  
Sasha added by way of support:  
  
"You've gone and smudged my lipstick!..erm I mean, this is very inconvenient for us, sweetheart."  
  
Draco snorted, taking Harry's hand and lifting him back up.  
  
"I'm the one who had the idea of installing this room!" He cried, furiously.  
  
"But I haven't had a shag for three months" Lucius retorted  
  
Sasha grinned at Harry. Harry grinned back. They were both thinking the same.  
  
"Then there's only one thing for it-" ,Sasha began  
  
"-We're going to have to-", Harry continued  
  
"SING FOR IT!!" They finished together.  
  
And from somewhere (don't ask me where from- this is fanfic) a disco ball, four microphones, a stage and lots of sparkle appeared. Oh and Lucius Harry and Sasha joined Draco in looking like Glam-rock stars, with makeup, pvc, glitter and all.  
  
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- (singing from here on)  
  
(Harry and Draco step glamourously to the front of the stage)  
  
Harry: He's got sexy legs  
  
Draco: He gives amazin' head  
  
Harry: We've waited five years now  
  
Draco: To get each other in bed  
  
Harry: I just want his tongue  
  
Draco: To run down my (loud inhale)  
  
Harry: I gotta get him undressed  
  
Draco: Cause he's the only one...  
  
Together: Who knew school could be so fun?  
  
(Lucius and Sasha elbow them out of the way flamboyantly)  
  
Lucius: Well I was acting real gone  
  
Sasha: As I trawled along  
  
Lucius: You really caught my eye  
  
Sasha: So I sucked you dry  
  
Lucius: I felt the wind in my hair  
  
Sasha: The scenery was terrible there  
  
Lucius: I knew I'd have to have you home  
  
Sasha: I assumed we'd be alone  
  
Lucius: But here we are together. there's only one answer!  
  
(Harry and Draco join them in singing and making obscene sexual gestures)  
  
All together: Malfoy orgy,  
  
Harry: It's the only thing to do  
  
Draco: Share the pleasure  
  
Lucius: But together  
  
Sasha: We must stay  
  
Harry: Malfoy orgy,  
  
Draco: Don't act shocked- it's nothing new  
  
Lucius: Here at Malfoy Manor hey! We've done this  
  
Sasha: Again and again  
  
All together: Our Malfoy orgy  
  
(Lucius and Draco take the centre stage)  
  
Lucius: You were just my son, my trip  
  
Draco: You my master, yeah  
  
Lucius: Til after dark I'd "visit" you  
  
Draco: Just for kicks  
  
Lucius: Then you loved it too  
  
Draco: I knew what I had to do  
  
Lucius: Let my sea wash your face ***  
  
Draco: As Malfoys only we can understand  
  
Lucius: Mmm. sexy with makeup  
  
(They are joined by a very disturbed yet turned-on Harry and Sasha)  
  
All together: Malfoy orgy,  
  
Harry: It's the only thing to do  
  
Draco: Share the pleasure  
  
Lucius: But together  
  
Sasha: We'll find something new!  
  
Harry: Malfoy orgy,  
  
Draco: Just like you've always wanted to  
  
Lucius: Do what you like  
  
Sasha: Just take the mic  
  
Harry: And ride me like a bike  
  
All together: At our Malfoy orgy  
  
(The dancing becomes more outrageous, the flirting more obvious)  
  
Draco: Oh!  
  
Lucius: Shoot you down,  
  
Sasha: Bang-bang  
  
(Sasha exorbitantly points his fingers like a gun to illustrate this)  
  
(humming starts)  
  
Draco: Who's that? I hope it's you dad!  
  
(humming)  
  
Harry: Nope, me!  
  
(humming)  
  
Lucius: Where's my whip?  
  
(humming and whistles)  
  
Sasha: Get your finger out of there!  
  
(humming, whistles, and laughing)  
  
(the singing fades as one by one our beloved characters become involved in said orgy. To keep this pg-13 I sha'n't describe it, but suffice to say it's DEFINITELY worth the song)  
  
...to be continued! -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --  
  
Well I hope that was okay.I'm not too good at song stuff usually but I was just full of ideas of how to make this song Malfoy-ish. Hopefully it wasn't TOO obscene (but obscene enough!)  
  
*** This is the original line left in, spot the euphmism which I have turned it into!  
  
For anyone who hasn't heard Velvet Goldmine, get it now! It's FANTASTIC! And you can sing along. For those of you who'd like to see exactly what I did with the lyrics. they are coming right after this:  
  
Before I go- please review and tell me what you thought of this chapter and any others.also any things you'd like included in future chapters! Thanks very much. I also will never be able to listen to Velvet Goldmine again without a delicious picture of these characters in full glam-rock attire. I am one happy Glam Rock Princess (I just thought of that, hurrah!). Review please! xxx  
  
You got crazy legs You got amazin' head You got rings on your fingers And your got hair's hot red You got wit from my tongue (loud inhale) name on the sun I gotcha goin' to my breast Cause your the only one... Who uses school to leisure  
  
You make me act real gone You make me trawl along I had to ravish your capsule Suck you dry Feel the teeth in your bones Heal ya head with my own Why, if I don't have you home We'll have to fight alone... Hang all together  
  
{chorus} Velvet goldmine, You stroke me like the rain Snake it, take it, But the princess You must stay Velvet goldmine, Naked on your chain I'll be your king volcano Writhe for you again and again My velvet goldmine  
  
You're my taste, my trip I'll be your masters, yeah I'll chop your hair off for kicks You'll make me jump my feet So you'll give me your hand Give me your sound Let my sea wash your face I'm fallin', I can't stand Eeew! put your mink on  
  
{chorus}  
  
Oh Shoot you down, Bang-bang  
  
{chorus}  
  
(humming starts) Velvet goldmine (humming) Velvet goldmine (humming) My velvet goldmine (humming and whistles) Velvet goldmine (humming, whistles, and laughing) Velvet goldmine 


End file.
